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Josh Clement
Tue Oct 04, 2005 at 06:25:03 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #24, Now With Added Lair Picnic Ripe For Vignette Crossovers If You Want To Do Them.
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #24, Now With Added Lair Picnic Ripe For Vignette Crossovers If You Want To Do Them.

Birds sing. Flowers flower. The sun shines down. They really should make a holiday card out of the scene.

Then the Lairjets land.

It’s a clearing somewhere in the national park in upstate Gothametropolis York, out past Al B. Harper’s cabin, into the woods near granny’s house. It’s the site of the Lair Picnic.

Yo: “Come on everybody! Let us to be happy and to be spreading out of trestles. No, Uhuna, trestles!”

Dancer: “Mr Papadapopolis said not to tilt those baskets unless you like taramasalata-coloured clothes, Tricky. Ah. I guess you like taramasalata-coloured clothes.”

Uhuna: “This is a beautiful spot, with the trees and the lake and the waterfall. It kind of reminds me of that idyllic spot near Wakandybar in UT#225 where we all took our clothes off and went skinny dipping.”

Hatman: “We never took our clothes off and went skinny dipping, Uhuna.”

Uhuna: “Maybe not in your ending, Hatty.”

The Legion pours off the Lairjets and starts to set things up. The barbeque (Kerry is banned from a 100’ radius), the buffet table, the perimeter security alarms.

Pricilla DuBois, Vizh’s girlfried, Josh’s sister, secret wicked supervillain: “So rural. The call of the birds, the rustling of squirrels, the whirring of Al B. Harper’s surveillance cannons.”

Sir Mumphrey Wilton: “We have too many enemies not to be careful, Miss DuBois, what?”

Pricilla: “What?”

Mumphrey: “I said what, what?”

Priscilla refers the rest of this conversation to Abbott and Costello and goes to talk to Yo, who makes more sense. Meanwhile she has a quick flashback to yesterday…

Cue swirly visual effect.

Pricilla: “Father, we’ve gone of this a thousand times. I am not going to assassinate Princess Uhunalura at the Lair Picnic. It would be far too quick.”

Morbido the Magnificent, Supreme Ruler of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates scowls. “Now you listen to me, my girl. If I say you assassinate your brother’s girlfriend then you’ll do as I tell you. Otherwise I’m cutting your allowance.”

Pricilla: “Father, dating Uhuna is driving Josh insane. All his team-mates think he’s exploiting her vulnerabilities. Half of them aren’t speaking to him. It’s doing our job for us, pushing him out of the Legion and into the Botherhood. It’s only a matter of time.”

Morbido scowls. “I just don’t like you hanging around with that Visionary character, staying out late on dates with him. He has a very unsavoury reputation, you know.”

Priscilla: “Daddy, I don’t stay out late with him. I’m usually snug in bed by nine at the latest.”

“All the same. They say he’s had a string of girlfriends, sex-slaves, virtual women. There’s tons of files about it.”

“Don’t worry so, daddy. I’m sure the stories were exaggerated, and even if they weren’t, all his ex-girlfriends are going to die slowly and horribly, I’m sure. It’s only a matter of time, statistically.”

Morbido: “So you won’t brutally murder Uhuna?”

Pricilla: “No. I draw the line at giving her some out of date paté.”

Morbido: “Right then. In that case it’s plan B.”

Pricilla: “There’s a plan B?” She looks at her father suspiciously. “Have you been talking to the Hooded Hood recently?”

Morbido: “What if I have? I was… sizing up the opposition. And he happened to put me in touch with a specialist who is willing to deal with Uhuna even if you’re too squeamish.”

“Once and for all, father, I’m not too squeamish, I just think it’s better to let her be slowly infected with flesh-eating bacteria than to hack her head off in the middle of the buffet table, and… Hey, who’s that?”

Sleek, red-skinned, incredibly sexy woman with horns and bat wings. “I’m Regret, Infernal Temptress of the Nether-Realms, Mistress of the Abyssal Plane from the Agony Mountains and the Gorge of Regret to the Disharmony Spire and the Yearning Bridge where the Mewlips dance. Hi.”

Pricilla: “That’s a lot to get one on business card.”

Regret: “I’m a lot of woman.”

Pricilla: “You could diet.

Morbido, quickly: “Regret has agreed to deal with the Uhuna problem for me. She has contacts that can make the Lair Picnic a living nightmare.”

Pricilla: “Worse than having to listen to Epitome’s political monologues and Sir Mumphrey’s war stories. Wow.”

And more swirlyness to bring us back to the Lair Picnic.

Trickshot: “…whut you say, we are not doing wheelbarrow races.”

CrazySugarFreakBoy! makes chicken noises.

Meanwhile, Jenni and Trudi Wooster admire the scenery.

Jenni: “This is a very nice spot, isn’t it?”

Trudi: “Very nice. It would be lovely to explore the forest.”

Jenni: “In these shoes? Er, I mean yes, it would be lovely. If only we had somebody to go with us as a protector.”

Trudi: “Against bears. And lions. And tigers. Oh my.”

Jenni, glaring at her sister: “I think you mean against psychos and escaped mental patients and paparazzi photographers and the like. Some gentleman who will keep us safe from harm.”

They both look down at Hatman, who is gazing into the water.

“Some gentleman. Who will escort us into the woods.”

Trudi loses patience and nudges Hatty in the back with the point of her shoe.

Hatman: “Hmm? Sorry. I was lost in thought, watching the sun play across the Zdenka. I mean the water.”

Across the clearing, Al B. Harper is having his own little sit-com as Yuki, Miss Framlicker, and Amy are all under the impression that Al has brought them as his date to the Lair Picnic. That’s where the comedy gold is happening, but we have to look in on Pricilla making small talk with Dancer: “So, no boyfriend today? Perhaps you could borrow one of Lisa’s?”

Dancer: “Well, Chachi was coming along, but it turned out he accidentally wrote down his phone number wrong so I can’t get hold of him.”

Pricilla: “Shame, that. I imagine you two were just made for each other.”

Dancer: “Oh yes. I think this time it is the Real Thing. Um, excuse me, I have a headache. I think I’ll go sit down quietly. I’m getting headaches a lot recently at Lair social events.”

Kerry comes over, counting her firelighters. “So you’re the sad lonely loser who’s had to resort to Vizh for a little action, huh? I’m Kerry.”

Pricilla: “Yes, I know that. Visionary has told me all about you, you poor thing.”

Kerry: “Huh? Poor thing?”

Pricilla: “Is it any wonder that I love him, the way he’s taking pity on a sub-normal misfit and trying to give her some semblance of a normal life? No offence meant. You must be very grateful, considering how many people thought you were a lost cause. But Vizh never gives up, even when he knows he’s bitten off more than he can chew and he’s dealing with a no-hoper.”

Kerry: “W-what? He said that?”

Pricilla, insincerely: “Oh no. No, of course not. We never discussed it. He’s not thinking of sending you back home or anything. Really.” She smiles at Kerry. “Tell me, have you run away yet this week?”

And across the clearing:

“Josh, why do you keep glaring at your sister, like that? Just accept she’s dating Visionary and get over it.”

“It’s not that simple, Uhuna. There’s stuff. Deep stuff. She’s not good for him, and he thinks I just want to rip his parts off for touching my sister.”

“Which you do.”

“Well yeah, but only in a good way. And I only want to rip his parts off, not kill him, which is what’s gonna happen if he keeps seeing Pricilla.”

Trickshot walks past and tosses a submarine into Josh’s lap. “Eat it, speedy.”

“Hey, thanks,” Josh calls back. He’s touched by this gesture of peace after the recent troubles between him and the archer. “Even if it does have no mustard.”

Trickshot: “Well, I figured you’d better have it. It’s Nats’ sandwich after all.”

Josh is just thinking up a really clever reply to this, honest, as Al B. Harper flies past and lands in the lake. Like I said, comedy gold.

Uhuna: “You’re supposed to take all your clothes off first, Al!”

Fashion Accessory: “It’s great to see the adults are setting an example.”

Ham-Boy: “There are probably all kinds of adult reasons that Yuki tossed Al into the lake. Was Kerry standing near him, perhaps?”

Visionary: “I hear those taramasalata stains can be really hard to get out if you let them set in.”

Glory: “I smell something unpleasant. I don’t like it. But as usual no-one is going to understand me even though I am giving important plot information.”

Uhuna stands up. “Listen everybody, I have something to say. Something important.”

Sir Mumphrey: “Absolutely. Three cheers for Dancer and Yo for preparing such a jolly spread!”

Everybody: “Hurrah!”

Al B: “Glub!”

Uhuna: “No, I don’t mean that. Well not just that. Although the food was very nice. Except maybe the paté, which has made my tummy a bit funny.”

Trudi: “It would be better if we all went in twos into the woods to walk it off. Right Hatty?”

Hatman: “What? Oh yes, the Zdenka was delicious.”

Uhuna persists. “What I mean is, you’ve all been very kind to me ever since I got thrown out of Atticland. And especially since… since my wedding didn’t go according to plan. But recently… well, since Josh and I started seeing each other…”

CSFB!: “We’re not judging you, Uhuna. Just him.”

Uhuna: “The point is this. You’re not being fair. Josh and I are both consenting adults. Bill left me, no matter how noble he thought his reasons were, and Josh was there for me. He’s not exploiting me – well, not in any ways I don’t want to be exploited.”

Al B: “Glub!”

Uhuna: “He’s been very kind to me. And you’re all being mean to him because of it. So if you want to blame anyone, blame me. Or blame us both together. Or, if you’re our friends, accept that we’re both a bit stupid when it comes to romantic relationships and take us as we are.”

Pricilla: “I thought you were pretty much taking each other as you are anyhow.”

Yo: “Is to be well said, cute-but-dumb Uhuna! Yo is to be forgiving of uncute-exploiting-DBS. Yo is to be returning forgiven-DBS’ Rabito-petting privileges.”

Shoggoth: “But you are not allowed to eat him, apparently. Yet nobody stands up for these sandwiches.”

“There’s a big Zdenka between the two things, Shoggy,” Hatman explains helpfully.

Glory: “Warning! Warning! Danger, Lair Legion!”

Yuki gives Glory a biscuit.

Mr Epitome: “Hey wait. I’m re-learining Gloryese. I know this one. It’s not a biscuit bark. It’s a not-good bark.”

CSFB!: “Woof it again, Glory. April had her tongue in my ear so I wasn’t listening.”

Tricky: “That taramasalata is getting’ everywhere.”

Suddenly a cloud of smoke wells up from the barbeque, clogging the area in choking black fumes. From all directions the soldier ants arrive, just as the high winds blow the tablecloths everywhere, overturning trestles and plastering people in flying food. The Shoggoth gets struck by lightning and dissolves into sticky goo. Everyone else is pounded by the golf-ball-sized hailstones. Half-a-dozen rabid bears race from the woods and attack.

Hatman: “Rabid bears! They’re no good.”

There’s a minor earthquake.

Vizh: “Wait. What?”

Pricilla: “This way, lover. We have time to sneak out of here and fit in a quickie while the Legion’s all busy. What, you don’t like to do it in dangerous places?”

Vizh: “But what is it? What’s happening?”

Regret: “That? That’s our shock guest villain. Say hello to the Picnic of Doom!!!

To Be Continued…




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